:/ [A Novel About Inequality in Sex Drive]

In two relationships, (one past and one current) I have been the one with the higher sex drive— and it's beginning to cause problems in my current relationship. Notably, I have had other LTRs where this never presented as an issue, and it's not like I need 24/7 gratification—somewhere between 4 times a week and every day would be great.

Problem is, I think part of it stems from the fact that I have trouble doing overtly "sexy" things—I just feel ridiculous, you know?—so if I try to initiate it's usually just kissing on the neck/rubbing under the waistband of fiance's pants. Or just saying outright that I want to have sex. Something like that. This is a dramatic improvement from the past relationship, when I basically did nothing at all—then I didn't have sex for months at a time, would occasionally yelled through tears during arguments "WHY DON'T YOU EVER WANT TO FUCK ME?", grew increasingly insecure from there (surprisingly, that's possible), and eventually broke up (for a myriad of reasons, but that was a big one for me).

Current fiance is saying that I don't try hard enough to seduce him, and I don't know how to respond to this. I don't think I should have to try all that hard to get my husband-in-training to want to fuck me. If I wanted to work for it, I would still be single. And it's not like he does anything to seduce me—the times that he does want to have sex, he pretty much just has to put his hand down my pants while I'm conscious, and I'm sold. Also, lately, when we do have sex he has had absolutely no interest in giving me orgasms, which he used to, which makes me feel like he is completely disinterested in fucking ME, and when we do sleep together it's just because he would want to have sex no matter who he was with, or if he was alone.

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So now I'm experiencing this spiralling-out-of-control insecurity again, and he seems to have no idea what my problem could be, even though I talked to him about it two nights ago and subsequently cried myself to sleep over it. And, notably, since that conversation, he hasn't tried to have sex with me. And now I'm feeling way too repulsive to even think that I could be capable of enticing him. Plus I can feel resentment growing; for example, he says, "I love you," and in my head I think, "What, like a sister?"

How much of this is me being unreasonable, and how much of this is actually a problem? Because I can't tell.

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